Saturday, April 30, 2005
firstly, thanks to harry for the panda! *he's called hairy panda btw!!!* n thanks to ying n hua for that *ahem* furry n pinky G-STRING! hahahaha. its realie FURRY k! n its of a sweet pink shade! ultra cool! but whether or not i'd dare to wear it is a different issue lah. hahaha. n de panda's realie cute! harry n edwin insist that it looks like me. -_-" meanos! im not that PANDA yet k. but anw its realie cute n its in my family of stuffed toys now! =D
today's de last day of my life being sweet 17! its the last half an hour! gosh. there're so many things i remember of this year. kinda painful to look at memories yarh? i'll probably blog bout them some time later. =) anw lemme talk bout my last day of being 17. i met sy to lend him my sleeping bag, den took 980 which is supposed to get me to sembawang station. but it DIDNT! i was on de bus n it ended up in some ulu place!!! so i got lost! n i was like "SHIT. how to get out of here?" the road was so quiet lah!! n i got so freaked i din know what to do. couldnt even see a cab in sight. *crys* so in the end i stood by the road side n sulked for i dunno how long. den i decided that i'd hitch a ride from the next car that passes by. n i kept praying that the driver would be a nice lady who'd not mind giving me a lift. =) but that din happen. an army guy stopped for me, asking me what was wrong. n i was like stammering "erm... i got... lost? isit convenient for u to like.. erm.. drop me somewhere where there're more cars? so like.. i can take a cab??" den he was nice n he said "yea sure" =D nice chap! *but as ying puts it, he probably was gonna chat me up or smth* hahaha. well so i hitched a ride from this (stinko) army guy n i ended up at this place w more cars! guess where's that? its the busstop right in front of my house area. *faints* after a whole big round im back in yishun. n de guy lives only a few blocks away from me. =) wch is why i got dropped off there u see. n by that time i was so late already! *sorry ying n harry!!!!* i know im sucha dumbo i can even get lost in this tiny dot on de world map. bleahs! wellwell, at least i made my way to causeway k!
we had fiesta! yummys! =D nice food there! love love love it! n edwin came along n we headed to ying's place to bake! extremely funnie day spent there. our baking process was so unpro! well, we mixed everything nicely. *cos im a good manual mixer* =) of cos ying did lots of work too lah. only those two guys sat there n made noise. okay wait, edwin cracked eggs. harry leh? *i dun remember him doing anything. hahahah* anw we greased the mould n poured the mixture in, only to realise that we din put in salt!!! so we act smart. ying sprinkled salt while i stirred it. in the mould. hahahah. salt was our last step. so clever rite! okay, so there it goes into the oven!! n den we slowly see one side of the cake bend upwards. higher n higher. hahaha. cos there's this air column inside i think. bleahs. so when we took it out, it settled down! so it looked nice still! =) but when we took it out of the mould, we realised that its so flat! its only about a few cm height n it doesnt look like a cake at all! =x so we took a slice n ate it. n it tasted like..... KUAY. smart eh? hahahahah. its quite ez to bake kuay u know. just put in salt as the last step n u get kuay instead of cake. wahahahah. but we came to realise that it wasnt the fault of the salt lah. its cos we din put baking soda. haha. smarty us.
after baking i headed to sun plaza for dinner! at kia hiang restaurant. =) i love the peking duck there! but i got a shock when i saw the bill! a freaking $158 for dinner for 6!! so ex lah! -_-" the stupid fish cost $48. i nearly sceamed on the spot. but peking duck is nice. undeniable fact. u can give me a whole plate to myself n i'd still finish it. hahaha. anw dinner was nice, den im home. =) i was waiting for family to reach sun plaza. so i had to shop arnd alone for some time. 1.5 hours to be exact. they're so impunctual. anw i was walking arnd alone n i got abit moody again. blahs. i hate being alone ya know. when the silence just closes in on u. i alwaes feel v suffocated when that happens. heard a song which kinda sounded like what he told me ydae. cried. blahs. its my last day being 17. i need peace within.
its the last few minutes to my bdae already. im turning 18. my best pressie? him. *wanna make me happie? pack him up in a box, tie a bow, send the parcel to my doorstep. thankew*
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:55|
Friday, April 29, 2005
THANKS TIM!!!!!!! i love u to bits! i got sucha surprise in the morning! AHHHHS! pooh n eeyore are now happily sitting on my lap as i type this entry!! =D i simply LOVE them! n u naughty monkey! cheated me that u were going swimming eh? but still, thanks for accompanying me on my trip to school n giving me those two beloved darlings. =) they're from the extremely adorable pooh series of OG that i've been so so so obsessed with! n tim has some kinda way of reading my mind i think, he actualie got the two cuties for me! =D lalala! my darlings!!!
wonder why i say tim reads my mind? he actualie msged me at 9+pm asking if things were all right for me. cos his eyelids have been twitching. even when he was sleeping. haha. he's so right! i wasnt exactly all right in the afternoon! bleahs. long story. i shall cut de story short here.
anw i met sy after school to hand him the diary. n de MnMs dark choco series. hope its nice! well i passed it to him n he didnt read it right away. it was chucked into my OG plastic bag n we went to far east to eat. yups, the vermicilli again! its nice n cheap! anw its shifting out tmr. =( why isit that it alwaes seems like i cant even hold on to my memories? sighs. well, after that i accompanied him to beach road to buy his pouch for his camp. now he's got a chio pouch! it looks so nice! anw it was so freakin hot at that place. its cramped like chinatown area n its SO SO SO HOT. cant stand it manx. totally roasted in there. well after that we sat at some place near lavender mrt n talked n talked. told him stories abt school n stuff. like how i'd complain to any good fren of mine. hahah. he must've been bombarded w my bitching today. its nice talking to him as a pal again. yeps. but i knew that he hasnt read de book. so probably still had a little physical contact or whatsoever. but i dun blame him. he'll understand in time to come i guess. after that we headed to raffles BK for AIR CON. goodness me. i was totally dehydrated today. well i got aircon n ice tea at bk! so we sat there n continued talking. bout his camp, his work, n stuffs. =) it feels real good to be able to talk like frens again. anw can tell dat he's tired n stressed from his work stuffs. hope he'd jiayou! n hope my rubbishy consoling has helped somehow. =)
well then comes de sad sad part. i thot he sort of saw all these coming. but he was still pretty affected when he started reading the first 3 pages of the diary. told him to read after camp. but i doubt he'd listen lah. he seemed pretty upset n he looked like he had alot to say, but all de words kinda got choked n never came out. well, maybe he wont be able to read de book any further. den it'll be thrown down the rubbish chute *NOOOOOOO...* but yea, i did what i meant to do. whatever he does w those memories wouldnt really concern me anymore. just like how i needed time to accept things, i think he'd need time too.
i wouldnt say that i wasnt sad when i saw him in that state. of cos i still do care. im human after all. but im glad i was honest to my feelings n acted the way i felt today. i asked him to jiayou n dun be too sad. since he was meeting his fren after that. feels better that i really say n do what i want to. cos to me, his reactions to my actions dun reallie matter anymore. i do my things my way. yups. but i only got a little more upset when i went to wait for mommy. cos i was alone n waiting at this dark corner outside ocbc centre. listening to mp3. so obviously those songs got me all touched n stuff. yea. so a few drops of tears did fall. abit of heartache i guess? yeps. at least im honest w my feelings. =)
hope he'd be okay after some time. like i said, if fate meant to put us together, we'd be together even if we're 50 years old. =) i realie realie do believe in destiny n fate. what's yours is yours. what isnt just isnt. anw tim said smth that kinda shocked me just now. his msg read "u r someone who i feel reallie need a person to shield u from unhappiness." n my response was, "only he could shield me from my unhappiness. n myself. now i've only got myself to depend on. =) " yepyeps. i can feel myself withdrawing back into my safe corner in my heart. slowly putting back that shield i had before i had him. that shield that prevented anyone from knowing me too well. i dun like being read so easily. i'd feel intimidated. only he managed to break thru that defense of mine. now my shield is closing me in again. =) sometimes i think im actualie an introvert at heart. hahaha.
well it wasnt that hard communicating to him as a fren. not as terrible as i thot. in fact i think its so much easier for us to talk as frens. yeps. so i guess its a good thing. i hope it'd be a good thing to him too.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:19|
Thursday, April 28, 2005
for hui, the webbie of poems is www.best-love-poems.com. the poems are not the kinda super cheem kind. its just submitted by readers of the website i think. so its pretty 'real' n nice.
read ah ma's blog. i got scolded for insisting on meeting him that day. i gotta admit i had a part of me that was dying to see him. but the other part kept telling me to stay away. n i kept telling him to pass it to his maid or his bro to hand to me. but he still handed it to me personally. which got me upset n stuffs. but im very sure i wont get all affected when i see him again to hand him what i wanna pass to him. ah ma, nu er promise to be strong n i will be. i wont let u down. n most importantly, i wont let myself down. =) it isnt worth it to destroy my life cos of someone else. i wont let anyone destroy my self worth n self confidence. sorry ah ma. made u worried n angry n stuff. i bet u got so exasperated trying to talk sense into me. but i think in these kinda situations, its hard for anyone to help unless u wanna help yourself. so im reallie praying for na. hoping for the best for her.
anw anw, i came across this webbie w farnie flash videos n games n stuffs. realie cool. check out this drum machine thingie. its super cute. haha. n check out this extremely gay video. i was laffing like hell when i first saw it. there are lots of other stupid stuffs in that website too. check it out!
todae was a pretty tiring day. dunno why. probably cos everything was pretty hectic. maths, chem, chem lect, maths, gp. n chem lect was taken by pang so couldnt slack. n there was gp essay n maths assignment which was challenging. so its like squeezing my brains dry lidat. -_-" maybe im just slower n dumber lah. hahaha. anw ms ng is so so so great! she gave me a list of trigo qns to try! 113 qns! rawks manx! ms ng knows dat im ultra weak in trigo so she gave me that for practice! im gonna do roughly 5 to 10 questions per day n den slowly improve my maths. maths is all about practicing n practicing. im sure i can do it! =)
lardidums! hope my dear hersheypie is feeling better now! jiayou darling! =D teapot is behind u all the time! any probs can alwaes talk to me k? *n imagine im a fake shortie guy* hahaha. n of cos jiayou na! i'll be behind u all the way! im sure so is ah ma, youzi, dil, ah jie, qian jun n everyone else. even jkok! wahahahah. he's like your new 'best fren' after honda yarh? =) cheer up darling. everyone is concerned with your well being. n we hope to see the happie u again. n i mean happie from inside out n not outside in. kkie? *winks*
im excited bout tmr! gonna meet tim in the morning! *if both of us manage to wake up that is* hahaha. n i hope santi will love her pressie! de ultra cutie pressie that na n me found! its a good deal for the price wor! =) *beams* cos its found by US!! hahaha. =) kkie im off to bed! i wanna wake up n meet tim! nitenites!
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:26|
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
i love u na. =) i've repeated this so many times already. haha. but realie realie i love u a whole lot today. cos as i was 'teaching' u what to do n 'trying' to sort your thots, i sorted out mine. =) crying is not my priority now. studies is. he is impt to me. so impt that i lost my sense of direction when i lost him. but now i shd stand up n find my way out. there's no pt sitting there n crying anymore. cos nothing's gonna revert to the way it was in the past. n like what ah ma asked me a long long time ago, "do u think he cares?" the answer is "no i dont." =) kinda painful to accept that fact. but the pain will soon ease off. the best way to step out of all this is to treat him as a normal fren. like how i treat all my other guy pals. i know i can do it. =) i tried to hide. hide my feelings n all. but i've realised that the more i hide n the more i act, the more painful it gets. cos it just means one simple thing. that i still care alot about him n how he feels n how he'd react. but now i'd just face him as a fren. normal female fren. occasionally meeting up for a chat, maybe a chat on msn sometimes. that's enough for me. that's sufficient to make me happy. at least i want him to be okay. which i think he is already. =) so i must be okay too! why shd i wallow in self pity huh? no point lor! come on manx. everybody arnd me is telling me they miss the 'old mad'. i dun mean physically OLD k. i mean the mad in the past. =) i rmr the times i shared w him as frens. as kor n mei. those were such nicer memories. i shall work towards that kinda r/s w him. frenship.
na is getting down to thinking n settling down already. i hope. =) im sure she would. n no matter what we gotta set our priorities right. studies first. everything comes after that. my bdae in a few days. im determined to mug. im finding back that determination i once had for O's. =) i know i gotta put in triple the effort of those smart kias. but i know i can do it. if others can, so can i. even if it takes a longer time n 3 times the effort, i would do it. cos i know i want it. i want those results. i wanna get into mass comm. i dun wanna disappoint mommie anymore. jiayou na. we're sort of facing the same kinda stress. i've thot thru mine n im determined to do it my way. u'll find ur way too! im sure u will! darling mad is alwaes behind u k! jiayou!! only 6 more mths to As. must rmr to do what's best n most impt for yourself! certain things can wait but As cant. no regrets!!!
todae we watched vj vs cj. close match. n i was cheering for cj like hell while na was cheering for vj. 47-42. close right! but i noe vj din play to full potential lah. anw i saw cj no. 5. he looks vaugely like siyuan. very vaugely. but i think i was hallucinating lah. haha. anw he's a not bad player. =) kept staring at him thruout. i bet he must've thot that i was some despo girl. im not k! =x anw cj was not bad. reallie. n i wanna find out who that no. 5 is. just for fun. hahah. jk could play today. that means he's feeling better! =) that's good! at least he'd be able to play against the top 8 teams. n hc won innova by 55-32 or smth lidat. yups. but they were abit off form i think? wasnt exactly watching the other side. was concentrating on cj. cos tighter match more exciting lah. hahah. kkie im off to study le. =) mugger mad is gonna mug. im going to mug like hell in all sorts of fast food restaurants. i think raffles place BK is a good hideout. can wait for mom as well. good choice. =) i love bishan Mos too. cos of memories more than the environment lah. hahah. oh wells! im gonna study! tahhhs!
*[a lil princess thought at]*|19:45|
I wish that I could be the one,
You think of through the day.
And I wish that you could turn to me,
When your fears wont go away.
I wish that I could have one kiss, one second of your time,
And I wish that you could be the one,
I would consider to be mine.
I wish that I could have one chance,
To show you that I care.
And I wish that I could make you see,
That you will need me there.
I wish that you could know my pain,
And feel it the same way.
I wish that you could care, even a little,
To notice what I do.
And I wish that I didn't have to wish,
....To mean something to you.
this poem speaks for me. amazingly. i wish that i didnt have to wish to mean smth to him. i wish i could have one chance to show him that i care. yes. this totally spells out my thoughts.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|00:29|
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
dad's bdae today. had dinner at breeks at harbourfront. went to get santi's pressie after school n ended up at raffles doing work for about half an hour. na n i got a nice pressie for santi. hope she'd like it. its realie cute. n hope it's practical for her. =) anw we spent about an hour plus in the bookstore called a'n'bc at bugis. there're funky things there. very interesting n very amazing. n the prices there are much more reasonable than kino. yeps. another fellow bookshop shopper. =) my lesbo mate does have LOTS of things in common w me.
spent ydae nite crying. from 12 to 2. anybody could see that my eyes were swollen this morning. thank gosh my eyes will turn back to norm after awhile. but ppl like na can definitely tell the diff. yups. nothing much. just started thinking alot again. n i had to write it all to get it off my chest. my diary is my soulmate besides na. maybe cos of the close proximity of the two. i understand that many other frens are v concerned n v worried bout how im getting on. n its not that i do not wish to confide in them. but its just more convenient cos na's regularly updated n so is my diary. so of cos ydae nite at 12 i had to confide in my diary. n im so sad i drowned it in my tears.
i dun realie know how to advice na. tried my best to. hope my frail attempts do help a little. n i know she'd make her decision. its just a matter of time before she comes down to it. like i told her, i only feel more upset at night cos i keep it in for the rest of the day. its the same amt of pain we're going thru. but i choose to squeeze it all together n suffer like hell at night. wheareas she'd be a lil sad thruout the day. its the same thing isnt it?
he's online. but im not gonna talk to him. or rather i dunno what to say. so i shant say a word.
jkok reads our blogs. n i mean ah ma's, dil's, na's n mine. scarie. means that he read the stupid entry bout him being my idol lah!!! *digs hole n buries myself* im so maluated. anw he's a farnie fella. cos i think he felt bad for making na upset that day. *oops* sorry for scolding him in my blog as well. cos that day na was so upset den i felt like strangling him. but he din mean it lah. n na isnt taking it so hard le. so everything's fine. jkok shdnt feel guilty for what happened cos he din mean any harm. he was probably just teasing n stuff. but na was v emotional at dat time. thus de misunderstanding yarh? =) nvm! all's clear!
ah pui was so funnie today! he did smth so lame in front of me!! btw he's 180cm n im a pathetic 148cm. so he was standing in front of me n blocking all the sunlight. so he shouted "hei1 ye4!" n he ducked away n let the light shine on me n shouted "bai2 tian1!" n then he blocked again n shouted "hei ye!" n ducked n shouted "bai tian!" again. -_-" he did it in sucha funnie way everyone just burst out luffing lah! omg. ah pui is so lame. but he did make me crack up. =)
i hope i dun cry tonight.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:11|
Monday, April 25, 2005
stomach flu. din manage to crawl to school in de morning. pain only ceased in the afternoon. actualie it din cease. its just that it doesnt hurt if i dun press on it. yups. na got diarrhoea in the morning. so two sicklings made our way to aljunied sbc to watch bball. hc thrashed jj by 27 pts. today they played quite okay. n my new idol is JKOK!! he's so shuai on court! woahs! zai kia. he's my new idol k! jkok rawks!!
na n me then left after hc match to grab lunch. which was fish slice soup. =) cos both of us were sicklings we couldnt eat lots of things. n after lunch was the vj match. it was SO SO SO TIGHT. the scores kept so close. always a margin of less than 10 pts. n in the last quarter the scores kept drawing!! so the atmosphere was reallie tensed manx. could see everybody's faces. n could see the ecstacy n joy when one side scored. n could see the nervous reactions when they missed. n could see the crazie vj coach screaming n shouting like hell. n vj got a foul throw which put the score at 54-50. n there were 15 secs left. n at the LAST SECOND, rj no. 10 threw a 3 pointer which landed in! so the score was a scary 54-53!!!! if they had a few seconds more they COULD have beaten vj! so freaky!! but vj won! =D n obviously tj won cj. tj no. 8 is a shuai ge k! he's my idol no. 2!
jk didnt play today. na said he was having flu n stuffs. poor thing. hope he'll recover in time for next match. which will be the top 8 teams already. tight competition. anw na told me what happened the other day. n i was so sad for her. sighs. reallie dunno how to help her. thot for a night n im still thinking. *im sucha smartie rite. haven settle my own prob n im trying to help my darling. haha.* anw i'll come up w smth for her. for now she'll have to tahan abit. jian qiang abit. =) i'll pass my 'strength' to u k dearie? *huggs*
i would be lying if i said im okay. but i am recovering from it all. i wanna have a nice n cheery n happy birthday. i miss last year's bdae. all those memories are coming back again. no. i shall not think about it. i shall look forward to this year's bdae. easier said than done. i miss him. yet again. i dun like this feeling. i dun like those thoughts.
my diary's flooded with thots n memories. i cant even bear to re-read it from the beginning now. its one week since he left my life. n it'll be a week to my bday. hopefully till my bdae comes i'd be over him. i really dun wanna cry for him on my bday. sigh.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:50|
Sunday, April 24, 2005
severe stomach flu. i nearly died of pain. was chatting w 6 ppl online when i suddenly got it. n i kept asking if anyone knew what was wrong if the left side of my tummy was aching like hell. n i reallie mean the EXTREME kinda PAIN. i was breaking out in cold sweat n curled up on the comp chair like a ball. couldnt even call out to my mom outside. n i started crying due to the acute pain. n kor, harry, tim cleverly told me it was appendicitis. n i was totally freaked out!!! i've got a pretty high threshold for pain for a girl. n yet i was crying cos of the pain. scarie! anw i went to the clinic to be treated as an emergency case. n to find out that its severe stomach flu. *oops* sorry to those patients whom i cut queue. n sorry to dad n mom for freaking everybody out. sorry to harry, kor, tim, n everyone else who were so freaked out cos of me. sorry sorry sorry. i was in a serious hell lot of pain i din know what to do. it was 10 times worse than de gastric pain i normally get. yikes. its hurting still. im going off to bed so it cant hurt anymore. hahaha.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:58|
i met him today. to take back my trigo notes. told him to pass it to his bro or maid to pass to me but still i had to take it from him. it certainly didnt feel good to see him again. had to act all cool n nonchalant n not bothered. barely a few words exchanged n i left. he was coughing. wanted to ask if he was alright but i didnt. wanted to ask if everything was alright. but the impt word there is 'wanted to'. so obviously i didnt in the end. i just left off for novena sq. n i had to call him to ask him how to get there. urgh. dumbo me couldnt read the stupid bus guide at the busstop. was thinking bout so much on the bus. kept sniffing n taking deep breaths to stop those tears from falling out. saw youzi, bong n dil at novena sq long john doing work. so i joined them. made an excuse to go toilet n i cried in novena sq toilet. how pathetic. had to clean up n act normal n walk out again. ppl who heard me must've thot some little girl got locked in the toilet n couldnt come out.
did work in silence. only managed to complete 3 qns for chem. havent touched maths. phy untouched. followed mom to meet auntie wendy chia (mary chia's daughter) n mommie got some package treatment there. $6000++. wth. that's so freakin ex. but i was amazed that results were seen immediately. mom lost about 1.4kg on the first treatment. cool eh?
ah ma was sorta scolding me. cos she said i shdnt go get notes from him. probably i shd have asked him to snail mail. at least i wouldnt have to see his face. i wonder what i want.
ah ma: what did he say?
me: he didnt say anything.
ah ma: so u're sad he didnt say anything?
me: yah
ah ma: told u dat u shdnt go meet him liao. now meet n u're sad. whether he say or dun say anything u also sad.
ah ma is right. no matter what he does i'd be sad. so i just have to keep myself far away from him. i saw how na had to struggle thru her 32 days. even after 32 days she's still struggling. i dun want that to happen to me. neither do i want to set a target of the no. of days i'd take to get over him. i just want it to happen naturally. i want this love to leave me as naturally as it struck me a year ago. will it happen? im penning down lots of thots. in a way im letting go of all my emotions into that book. i think i might just burn it after i finish writing. i dun want anyone to read of it. all my innermost feelings. after penning it down i take it as a form of 'letting go'. i let go of my feelings into that book n i'll close it, marking a closure to this whole r/s.
as much as i hate for such a day to come, i know it would. looking on the brighter side, there might be someone out there more suited for me. someone much better than him. someone who loves n treasures me more than he. in the same way someone's out there waiting for him. someone better than me. who can treat him better n love him more. hope he finds that someone to care for him soon. for now i dun wish for anybody to enter my life. i just wanna stay alone. i need peace n solitude. i need to think things thru. cos i still miss him.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|20:19|
long day put into short words since im so freakin tired now. spent a day talking bout family matters. things are turning for the better. went for dinner at No Signboard Restaurant that has yucky service n sky high charges. so freakin crazy. a dinner for 12 ppl cost $364. *faints* im never gonna go back there again. freak. spent the afternoon in town with mom. bought things for shengfeng (khoo swee chiow's son). got him clothes n water bottle. =) he's so adorable! he even gave me a goodbye kiss! i have cutesy fotos of him in my phone! anw i got a nice water bottle for myself too. its from the KIDS SECTION at orchard OG!! *beams* cool eh? im a kid w a deprived childhood. anw just to notify all my frens out there who read my blog, pls start arranging to book me from next friday to next next monday. i seriously dun even want an hour free. okay, sunday dinner is for family. besides that i just wanna be busy like hell so i dun have the energy to think. my diary is about 1/3 filled. i've got so much to write. i'll never end. hah. but dun worry. by the time i end i'd be totally over him. i promise. all memories would be returned to him by then. =)
*[a lil princess thought at]*|01:01|
Friday, April 22, 2005
vj vs yj. 44-30. phew. =) vj won again! na was so freaking happie for their win. but jk injured his knee. n i could see that pain in her. she probably wanted so much to go over to check if he's alright. but she hesitates. n she doesnt. that's probably why i just dun wanna see sy. i dun want such conflicting n tormenting feelings. anw the match of vj n yj was nice. shd have seen those screaming coaches n super hum ji guys playing on court. they were like chess pieces played by the coach. kinda funnie. but i was sad that jk was injured too. could see his expression. kept asking coach to substitute him out. but the coach didnt. until his knee really hurt so bad he just sat down in the middle of the court. that must've hurt alot. oh manx. n that was only when he got substituted out. n he played again in 4th quarter. hopefully that shows that his knee is better already. dats y he can still play.
i know na's extremely affected n sad that he's hurt. n i think alot is going thru her mind as she heads down to watch, watches, n leaves the match without a word to him. there are so many things she wished she could do. but she doesnt. n she cant. sighs. i told her to do what she feels like doing. n her reply was that im not doing what i feel like doing. its a irony that im telling her that. im trying to cheer na up when i myself isnt really okay. im sorry if i give u weird or nonsensical advices dear. alot of things are still going thru my mind right now. so words kinda spill out irrationally. n nothing exactly seems right or sounds right. i just hope my physical presence can give u some support at least. that's the very least i can do.
after match we went lot 1 at cck. supposed to find pressie for santi. but its reallie quite a challenge to find a nice pressie. with a budget n with a mentality of finding smth the person would like. we went arnd for rounds n kept buying funnie things for ourselves. retail therapy. pooh stickers, bikini stickers, light bulb stickers, cutie chop, bball game candy stick. thought that we could buy the chio chio tropicana life teeshirt for santi. but it costs $26. sobs. i'd save up n buy for some fren who suits the tee. cos its reallie v nice. =) i dunno why but shopping at lot 1 wasnt exactly like shopping. my mind was wandering off somewhere far away. saw pucca stuffs n thot of him. saw soccer ball items n thot of him. again n again n again. why cant i just rid him out of my mind. its so sickening n torturous. i wanna get over him.
had to go to bishan to meet mom cos she wanted to collect her altered pants. n we had dinner at crystal jade. they have nice beef brisket claypot. reallie good. but again, i've been to that place w him before. i was all quiet at dinner again. mom is worried. i can tell. but i really dunno how to tell her anything. i can only try to act as normal as possible so she isnt so worried. sighs. i hate it when i make everyone worry. i'll just blog n pen down all my thoughts. n i'll slowly let go of them. those memories. one by one. n slowly they'd fade off. they'd be erased permanently from my memory. would it be good to have some freak accident n lose my memory now? can i?
dun worry ppl. i might sound terrible in my blog. but that's just cos i think alot when im home. when im alone. when im with ppl i tend to talk n think less. in school i'd be busy with work. den i'd be busy running arnd w na. den i'd be busy doing tutorials at home. den i'd be busy chatting online. my day is packed to the brim already. with minimal time left for thinking. brooding in fact. so dun worry pals. maddie here will be strong. im able to put my feelings aside when i do my stuffs. but when i get emotional i get reallie emotional. wch is pretty scarie. wch is what is presented in my blog. so there is a brighter side of me even when im so down like now. its not the end of the world. if i were to die tmr i wanna live a happy day today. n i live everyday not knowing if i have a tmr. since that man in my family is still as crazy as ever. so i'll live my life to the fullest n not waste it.
-garfield- i know. wch is exactly why i refuse to contact him unless im forced to. i know i'd sink deeper if i continue contact. so im cutting all contacts now. for good. sounds kinda cruel but i think that's the fastest way to get this whole thing over n done with.
-bong- ah ma, dun worry. nu er will take care of herself. =) i have u n ah pa for me to cry on anytime. na as well. i'll just flood hc with my tears. no big deal. i cry cry cry n i'll slowly forget what i cried for. so in a way im letting go of certain things as i cry. so just let me cry. n slowly i'll have nothing to cry for. swollen eyes for a few days aint a problem at all. after awhile i'll return to normal. dun worrie. thanks..
-tim- so sorry bout this morning. seriously i think both of us were in a daze. anw u neednt worrie. cos i have my blog n my diary n my frens to whine to. even if i dun wanna trouble ppl n i dun wish to say a thing, i'll still blog it. i'll write it down. in time to come i'd look back n laugh at these sad blog entries. ;) trust me on that! i'll jiayou for myself n my frens' support. =)
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:31|
Thursday, April 21, 2005
just read na's blog. n im crying just like she did. wetting my keyboard as she puts it. tears were overflowing within by the time i reached home. glad i spent the day w ying n hua. sorry girls, made u guys wait for so long. n i felt kinda bad cos i had to go off though i knew na was feeling horrid. cos of jkok's words. felt like bashing him up. doesnt he know how much those words mean to her? sighs. i guess anything regarding jk would be sensitive to bring up. n he had to mention. blahs. i really hope na will be better. lets jiayou together k girl? cheer up. must bring a smile to watch his matches. anw, i went to meet ying n hua. ate subway n shopped arnd holland v. a place i havent visited since i dunno how long ago. its a pretty ulu n nice area. interesting stuffs. but i wasnt that interested. feel like apologising to ying n hua. cos i was really out of sorts today. alot was going thru my mind. n they could probably tell that i wasnt truly happy when i was smiling n laughing. really wanted to enjoy myself to the max cos its so rare that 3 of us go out together. but seriously, i cant. sighs. i need to get a grip on myself.
after holland v hua had to go popular to get stuffs. so we ended up at thomson plaza. of all places. n naturally lots of images flashed back into my mind. lots of memories clouded my thoughts. there were so many times tears welled up as i shopped arnd w ying n hua today. but i would just take a deep breathe n swallow it in again. until i was on my way home, i passed his house. saw his mom's car reversing into the porch. n kept staring at his house till it went out of sight. n in a way my mind processed it as "it's gone." that was when a tear so naturally fell from the corner of my eye. i didnt even feel it welling up. it just trickled down so shyly, so silently. afraid that anyone would see. in a second it was down to my chin. n i casually put my hand to my chin to wipe it off. everything seemed oh-so-natural. with so much precision n detail it seemed so fake. but i know the line my mind told me is true. it's gone.
i was in a trance till i got home. i nearly got knocked down by a car. i was so careless. but i really didnt know what i was doing or where i was going. just kept walking n walking n walking. i amazingly got home. n finally cried out all those tears bottled inside. as my mind carefully flipped the pages of memories we shared, my tears kept falling.. n falling.. it was like they wouldnt end. n indeed, they havent. read na's blog. which got me even more emotional. the song by li sheng jie. shou fang kai. it says of all i wanna say. in a few simple lines. songs can heal one's soul. i hope mine would be healed.
na called just as i was crying whilst reading her blog. coincidence huh? she din hear me crying at first. im a good actress. i can force myself to act as someone im not. anw, we talked bout stuffs n dearie told me to continue contacting him if i wanted to. i should let myself gradually let go, rather than take all these pain like that. but somehow my heart feels like contacting him, but my mind disagrees. honestly, i'd be lying if i said that i dun love him anymore. but in a way, that no longer matters. cos im unable to continue loving if he doesnt care. i've got so many things going on in my life. all of them are committments. n if he doesnt commit anything to this r/s, what is there for me to work for? im tired. too many things have happened to my family. n at this major junction of my life he's nowhere to be found. someone pls tell me that he's not worthy of my love. someone pls convince me. cos i find it so hard to convince myself. so damn hard. im dying here suffocating under my own mental stress. pls tell me he's not worth it n i deserve someone else. i keep telling myself that but it doesnt help. at all.
but i know that i cant keep in contact with him. firstly, its being selfish. cos i'd just want to lessen the pain of me letting go, but at the same time im keeping him hanging there hoping for a miracle. or maybe he doesnt feel that way at all. in fact im pretty sure he doesnt bother about this whole thing anymore. i dun understand why im still so affected. i wanna be able to walk out of this nonchalently. like it all doesnt matter. but i cant. secondly, i know i wont be able to stop contact if we keep smsing each other. which is why i sound extremely cold in all my smses to him. in a way its forcing myself to break contact. n in a way it'd force him to let go. not that any force is needed in the first place. come to think of it, i feel so weak cos he can walk out on me like that n yet i cant do the same to him. maybe im just too sentimental. i hope my heart would just freeze right now so i can no longer feel. i just wanna be numb.
i keep occupying myself with different things. but it doesnt seem to help much. tmr will be vj match again. hope na would be able to face things more bravely. jiayou. i'd be there for u no matter what. even if i have cramps n gastric pain n fever n diarrhoea i'd go down with u. =) i wont allow u to face all that alone. dun worry for me k? take care of yourself.
talking bout cramps n gastric. im having them now. unlucky me. my cramps are killing me. but im not really bothered bout it. its just this constant stabbing pain in my abdomen. in fact i have no idea if its gastric n cramps together. i dun care anw. just let it go on for all i care. i dun have brain space to think about that anymore.
tears help to cleanse your heart. isit true? den i pray that tonight my heart will ache less. i hope that i'd be able to sleep n not wake in the night sitting n thinking about him. not cry. not feel upset. not regret. not yearn. not hope.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|21:52|
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Something I Never Had - Lindsay Lohan
Do you see me
Do you feel me like I feel you
Call your number
I cannot get through
You don't hear me and I dont understand
When I reach out I dont find your hand
Was it wasted words and did they mean a thing
And all our precious time but I still feel so in between
[Chorus:]
Some day I just keep pretending
That youll say dreaming of a diffrent ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
I keep tell myself things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out you could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes have you lying here again
Then I come back down
They I fade back in
Then I realize its just what Its just what might have been.
[chorus]
Am I a shadow on your wall
Am I anything at all
Anything to you
Am I a secret that you keep
Do you dream me while your sleeping after all
Some day I just keep pretending
That youll say dreaming of a diffrent ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
That I never had
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had
You dont see me, you dont feel me like I feel you
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:33|
lots of things to blog todae. those who are feeling tired shdnt read on. =)
school was funnie. esp phy lect. youzi n me were roaring w laughter cos of the dumbo lecturer. n its not v shocking to realise that he's chiam's teacher when chiam was in hc. they're of the SAME PATTERN i tell ya. this lecturer keeps going "okay-ee?" n he also says things like "this is very simple, u can read it yourself" -_- that's so much like chiam. goodness me. *pukes* anw youzi died laffing due to a stupid thing i did. a form was passed round asking for ppl to join this LIBRARY CLUB scrabble competition. normally i'd just pass it on without even looking at it once i see the two words "library club". but somehow todae i was so onz about it i asked na, qianjun n youzi to join w me. all 3 din want. so i turned arnd n looked for others. so i asked ah gong! =) he's english is superb n im sure he's much better than me. i just wanna join for fun. n de prize is $50 marche voucher leh. worth a try rite? just a few afternoons sitting there playing scrabble. okay what. im finding ways n means to pass my time anw. so ah gong agreed! *yays* n i managed to rope in ah pa! *whose english is super zai too!* so quite obviously na n me would be there for 'decorative purposes'. hahah. i want marche! lets jiayou for the thingie! its on 2nd may! hope i still have that bdae luck by then! wait.. i've digressed so far i forgot to say why youzi was laffing at me. well, qianjun had this really nice pooh stickers that she gave me. so i wanted to paste it on my phy notes *it was phy lect at dat time. not that i love phy* anw i happily pasted it on the paper n i showed youzi n said "so cute rite!!" and youzi burst out laffing so loud everyone turned to stare at us. guess what. i stupidly stuck de prettie sticker on the LIBRARY CLUB FORM!!!!! my sticker!!! =_( but in de end na n youzi n qianjun laffed so hard that i started laffing at my own stupidity w them. goodness me. i feel so retarded. in the end i had to peel that sticker off n stick it onto my notes. my poor eeyore sticker.
okie. after school na n me were gonna chiong all the way to singapore basketball centre to watch vj's bball match. den i saw ah gong. n i thought he was probably gonna take cab home again. n i remembered that he stayed arnd that area we were heading to. so i thought could share cab or smth. but na even cleverer! she asked him if his chauffeur was coming! so in the end ah gong's nice chauffeur drove us there! we asked him to drop us at aljunied mrt station n we'd find our way there *cos we dunno where it is. its not located in street directories.* but the uncle was so nice he helped us call his fren who stayed in aljunied, he helped us drive arnd, he helped us look into the directory. but to no avail. until we saw the swimming complex n this short building next to it. so na pointed n said "ehh there got students in uniform!! i think its that short building!" n the uncle happily replied "that building so short, only for chimpanzees lah!" hahahah. he's sucha farnie uncle! but he's extremely nice! he dropped us right in front of the bball centre! so our expected journey time was an hour. but we took only half an hr! n if we went aljunied mrt i bet we couldnt find our way there. its so freakin ulu. for ppl who dunno how to go there, pls take bus 55 or 180. or u can locate geylang east swimming complex. its right next to the swimming complex. =)
the match starts. every single quarter was so freakin exciting. cos VJC vs TJC. n i must say that both teams are not bad. in fact they are quite zai. esp TJ no. 8. he totally rawks. n every quarter's score was so close it was only a matter of either 1 or 2 points. its so FREAKY. so extremely close. goodness. could have died of heart attack watching the game. was so worried that na would get all uptight about meeting jk. n she really was. she was freaked out. n i could understand why. i mean, it takes alot of courage to see him again. on court. playing his guts out. n its hard to think of his reactions to her. so much must have gone thru her mind before she managed to go down n watch. she's so brave. i really applaud her courage. even i cant bring myself to face sy. so i know how that feels. could see her sadness before the match. cos jk wasnt really friendly. n i was in a pretty sticky situation cos i dun exactly know how to coax her. but i just kept telling her to do what she feels like doing. she came all the way down to watch him play. so watch it well. so what if others are talking n staring at u? u're here to watch the match. as simple as that. anybody can walk in n watch cant they? so stay firm n try to ignore others. ultimately this is the last year u'd see jk in a jersey playing for a school team isnt it?* stay firm girl. do what u really wanna do. cos u'd regret if u dun do it. u do it for yourself. cos u want to. u dun stop doing it cos of others. i know its tough. but dun worry k? im there. =) anything u can just ignore those houseflies aka pests n turn arnd n talk to me. i bet u wouldnt see them when u talk to me. cos u gotta look down to talk, n they're much higher than my level. yups! =) jiayou dearie! i'll accompany u to every single match! *hugggS*
vj n tj were SO CLOSE. every single second of the match was so tensed. could see all the supporters n coaches breaking out in cold sweat. in the end vj won by a score of 64-57. *phew* but i must admit both teams are qiang. tj no. 8 is so zai. he has the stamina to last throughout the whole match n he has the speed n the agility n the accuracy. goodness. zai kia. met many ppl at the match todae. peilee, hc bballers, woon ee *she's playing for nj bball now*, lynnie, siew wei n zong han. yups. but of cos na n me were so focused on the match that ppl had to tap on us or we'd not see them. haha. nice match todae. exciting.
hope dearie wasnt too overwhelmed by feelings n all. i bet its hard not to. but i just hope she'd be okay. *prays* weird huh. im praying for her when im not okay myself. haha. anw i felt tears coming to my eyes so many times today. i know the reason. but i just keep putting it aside n thinking of other stuffs. =) im good at hiding from probs yea? such an escaper. *yucks im disgusted with myself* anw after the match we went to geylang library to study. do our chem worksheet. which is SO TOUGH. we spent 1hr20mins doing one question. which we didnt solve btw. im gonna seek ah pa's help tmr. H-E-L-P!!
i was at somerset waiting for mom. n she was late *as usual* so i went to centrepoint to buy pens. i was too bored. i hate going to places that i once went w him. but that'd mean i cant go to so many places in sg. which is totally impossible. but everytime i go somewhere n see some things my mind would start wandering again. shittie. tears well up. but i'd swallow them down. then i'd find the strength to push it all to the back of my head. one day u'll see my head swelling at the back. its so full already. so full of thoughts n memories n pains. used to be able to cry. but now i dun even have the energy to cry it out anymore. im sapped of energy within. the energy that kept my heart going. physically im alright. bruises almost healed, cuts closing up. no probs. mentally i think im still pretty much stuck in the rut. i have to get myself going again. mommie could tell smth was amiss. she knew there was smth i did not wish to talk about. she noticed i was quiet throughout dinner n i couldnt eat. smth was wrong. but she didnt know what it was. sorry mom. i cant let u know. no dinner = gastric pain. yups. i got my just deserts. now im getting that horrid stabbing pain back in my gastric. urgh. but nothing beats the kind of pain i feel within. so i guess its okay.
been thinking quite abit recently. things start flooding my mind once im alone. every single second im alone i get so overwhelmed by thoughts. it sux. but once again, why bother when he doesnt? why hold on when he's gone?
i continue psychoing myself. n till the day im done psychoing myself, i cant say im truly over him.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:01|
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
today was a day of sadness n anger n joy. firstly was sadness. earlie in the morn. when i woke to read an sms from him. perhaps he was blind to all that was happening to me all these while. n he realised it all too late. dun get it wrong. im not blaming him. this is no time for blaming n shoving responsibilities. but i do wonder if things would have been better if he knew earlier. but i know things have ended. so i shall stop my imagination running wild. =) im sensible enough not to dream n disillusion myself at this pt of time.
anger was due to what i saw happening right in front of me today. at the age of 17, u no longer stay naive n blind to what happens arnd u. things arent as beautiful as it seems. esp when u're the victim of it all. n when u clearly see what is going on n u cant do anything to help your other frens. rumors are deadly. dun say things that harm or simply puts others down. what good does it do to u? n pls dun put words into other ppl's mouth. cos its unethical n rude n disrespectful. if u're unsure of what u heard, dun spread it. cos it is seriously hurting for the victim whose words are spread arnd maliciously. have u ever thought of their feelings? when they havent said anything like that n yet ppl are talking about them behind their backs? it feels terrible i tell ya. so stop what u're doing. pls reflect. im pissed cos it happened to a close fren of mine. n i know the feeling of being backstabbed n having words stuffed into your mouth. its disgusting. u're so maligned n u dun even know how to explain your way out. for ppl who are too free n start spreading rumors that they arent sure of, find better things to do. dun be childish n spread untrue things arnd n hurt others. be more ethical n considerate. thank you.
i hate facing fake ppl. ppl who are scheming. ppl who do things just to get their way. why live a life so fake? isnt it so tough to put on a mask everyday? a different mask to a different person. woahs. in a way i kinda "admire" ppl who manage to do that. isnt it so tiring? haha. u're just making life difficult for yourself. too bad. one day u'd be so tired u'd come to your senses n realise that what u've been doing all these while, putting up acts, is so dumb n childish. if u enjoy living your life the way u're doing, den so be it. ultimately there'll be a day others would see thru your acting. hopefully u wake up before u're seen through it all. sighs. pathetic.
joy! cos i spent a les day w na again! went for apple strudel n talked talked talked. =) we're like two crazie girls bombarding every corner of sg making noise n acting les. well, that's our way of relieving our pent up stress n taking our minds off issues we do not wish to talk about. we seldom mention bout those unhappy issues when we're out. so our mind is off them. we just have fun n laugh n slowly occupy our minds with more happy thoughts. eat happy food. =) learning the art of self satisfaction. at least we're living the way we like. doing the things we love. irregardless of what others might think or feel. as long as our conscience is clear n we dun harm others, we are free to do anything we like. na n i decided that since we cant stop others from doing evil things to us, we'd stay happy n not get so uptight n affected. cos its just a waste of energy. we'll be magnanimous. =) na is the bestest lesbo mate i can ever find. cos we hang out with only each other we're really like les lah. same bag, same file, n we're alwaes holding that same green tea bottle. pey yenn thinks we're les. n tuition ppl think im les w bong. haha. im just a LESBIAN lah. im so lucky n blessed that i have na in class. we think on the same frequency. we even say the same things at the same time. its like the chemistry we share in sec 1&2. its like the chemistry with ying n hua. the chemistry with hui n shu. that kinda amazing chemistry. =) im my jc life i found another true pal. my darling sweetie nana. =) *betta not praise her so much or she'd be floating to school tmr* but really, thanks na. *huggs* u know how much i love u! dun be angry w him cos it wasnt exactly his fault that we had to break. lets take things positively yea? =) we're sunshine babes!!
was talking to harry. he said that he thot sy n me were a good match. i recall ying saying the same thing to me. n many others. however, things dun always go the way u want it to go. after many ups n downs, it just went down down down. n that was when i had to put a stop b4 i fell any deeper. suddenly it feels terrible. cos my family n r/s are all crumbling down. all at the same time. i can only cling on to my frens. n im greatful for all my wonderful pals out there supporting me. n of cos my mom. my beloved mommie. for a split moment, when harry said how he thot sy n me were a good match, i felt a pang of sadness. this shudder that went thru my heart n numbed it for a second. just a second. but i believe in time to come this would die off.
had dinner at amk. one of the areas i used to visit w him. walked into prima deli. where i wanted to buy his fave yam jelly for him. n his fave kaya waffle. lots of memories just flooded my mind. dinner at ramen ten. we ate there b4. its like wherever i go i see memories of me n him. kinda tough keeping those tears inside. when u're crying like a lost child inside, n yet not a drop of tear falls down your cheek. but that bewildered n lost feeling still stays deep inside. n nobody knows. i keep telling myself its okay. keep reassuring n comforting myself. that's all im capable of doing for the time being.
tmr's gonna be hc's 2nd match. dunno against who. na n me will be heading down for vj's match. she bought stuffs for jk. =) hope everything will be fine tmr! if needed i'll disappear yarh? =) im so da4 fang1 i can let my lesbo mate go out w guys k! im sucha darling rite! =)
for all those reading n wondering how things are with me n family, dun worry. =) im so touched by all your smses. ying n hua's smses made me cry ydae. just felt like running to them immediately. but gotta wait till thurs. seems like years of waiting. i miss them. so so so so much. i cried reading the sms sent by them. can u believe it. all the msges from tim, marcus, tkd kias, classmates, ah pa ah ma *its a collective term*, nana, hui, shu n everybody else, thanks. im okay. n i promise that i'll be okay.
hope i'd be able to love n be loved once again
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:05|
Monday, April 18, 2005
things have come to a closure between me n him. i wondered why i wasnt sad. maybe cos i've gotten so accustomed to being alone already. it doesnt make a big diff. its just a matter of telling him that its over. no quarrels. no tears. happy ending? maybe. perhaps in time to come i'd feel lonelier. i wouldnt know. but all i know is that we do not have to go on torturing each other with the way things are now. hope he'd be happier this way. n may he achieve what he wants.
anw todae was a kinda crappy n slack day. na ponned econs lect to pia work w dil n me, so we were hiding in this classroom doing our work. until a teacher came along n said she was gonna use dat room, so we went off to the audi! we thot it'd be so zai to take the whole audi to ourselves! but the lights went off before our seats were even warmed by our asses lah! -_-" so we were left moping arnd in the dark with the only light from dil's hp flash. so dumb rite? imagine the whole audi in total darkness w 3 blind girls moping arnd. so we had to scour arnd for another class. n we did the rest of our work there.
after lessons na n me pia down to clementi to watch bball guys match. hc vs ac. score was 50-26. total thrashing. =) im proud of hc bball. im sure the girls did well at paya lebar too. anw i think hc guys team is realie pretty zai. ppl like honda, jeremin, no. 7, jkok, gabriel are all zai kias. i feel that they're the zai-er ones i noticed today. n there's this farnie J1 bballer that is 193cm. n he simply looked like yao ming on court. its so funnie how he was a head taller than everyone else. na n me were laffing our heads off. cos hc no. 7 n this ac guy were snatching the ball to the extent of the two of them sitting on the floor n tugging that stupid bball. den they looked like lil kids lah! so kiddo n dumb! den jeremin went over n easily snatched the ball away from the both of them n scored. hahaha. it looked so comical on court. even jkok was laffing. its nice to see jkok smile n laugh on court. its smth u dun see in class. the kinda zi4 hao2 gan3 on his face. beaming with pride being a hc bballer. =) he's a zai kia as well. woahs! jiayou! hc bball will get the champs!
so we left after the match n ate nice rotiboy. n here i am back at home. wanted to sleep but my back is so badly bruised i cant lie flat on the bed. nobody would want to see that whole patch of purple. oh wells. im a tough girl. with a high threshold for pain. nothing will kill me. somehow ms ng was worried bout me. cos she said i put up a very tough front. especially for my mom. but in a way im hiding my fears n sorrow so mom doesnt get to see it. n im hiding so much that even i neglect my innermost fears. n ms ng is worried that it'll be unhealthy for me to keep it all inside. she told me to let down my guard n my strong front in school. to feel pampered by my frens. n i kinda thought about it. i used to let down my guard only in front of him. now that he's gone i gotta learn to cope with things myself n w frens. so i gotta start learning how to put down that jian2 qiang2 image in front of pals. i nv liked to cry in front of frens. i hate that feeling. esp when u feel like others start to pity u. i dun like to be pitied. which is why i dun like to cry in front of anybody. except him. but he's gone. i'd swallow my tears n move on.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|19:25|
Sunday, April 17, 2005
how much do i mean to him? not a cent? i guess so. now he says i dun bother bout de r/s. so why should he. guess he hasnt read all the entries for the past week. he's too busy. fine then. i cant be bothered about him anymore. what r/s is there to talk about now? i receive an sms at 1am when im asleep. i reply at 6am when he's asleep. n the next sms talks about him going to sch for camp n going to work. n the next sms comes at 1am when he's back from work. is that so called communication? i dunno. maybe i expect too much out of him. so im just gonna forget it. since im probably asking for what he cant offer. the quiz below is so true. i need a big hearted fella. or at the very least. someone i can rely on when im in de dumps. he no longer can provide me that shoulder of support. he said he's tired too. so let all this end here. no expectations, no hopes, no hatred. lets just forget it even happened.
im gonna turn up in school w bruises n plasters n all. hope ms ng doesnt get too worried. luckily most of them are not visible cos they're under de uniform. im kinda lost cos i dunno what to do. but harry gave me suggestions i might heed. i'll talk to mom about it. now i guess she's too traumatized to talk bout anything. she needs time. but i dun think dragging all these would do any good to anyone.
barely did chem n maths tutorial todae. so many things on my mind. n headache was killing me from morning to evening. took a nap but to no avail. its still hurting up there. hope that tmr will be alright.
i can only look forward to tomorrows. n hope that i'll live to see the light of everyday. every single day is a gift. a gift of life i've been bestowed upon. zhen xi yan qian ren. be glad u had him for awhile. for he walked the journey with u. if u have to part, u have to. im happy enough i had him.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:53|
Your dating personality profile:
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active. | Your date match profile:
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. |
Your Top Ten Traits
1. Liberal
2. Big-Hearted
3. Athletic
4. Sensual
5. Wealthy/Ambitious
6. Adventurous
7. Stylish
8. Romantic
9. Outgoing
10. Traditional
| Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Big-Hearted
2. Outgoing
3. Practical
4. Conservative
5. Athletic
6. Traditional
7. Adventurous
8. Sensual
9. Romantic
10. Intellectual
|
Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:39|
many things happened ydae. tears, violence, bloodshed. i have a feeling mom's terrorised. n she's scared to do anything anymore. why cant she stay strong. it might be tough. but she'll never get herself out of this shit if she doesnt stay firm. even if she doesnt leave, i'd be the one leaving this house. dried blood stains on the floor of my room. yucks. i freakin hate that bastard.
eyes were swollen from crying todae. so obvious that ah ma could tell i cried the entire night. i was sad seeing that hui's eyes were puffy too. maybe ah ma n dil couldnt tell. but i could. she looked listless. sorry hui. i was in sucha pathetic state myself i din know how else to console u. tried v hard to cheer myself up todae. to stop all those thots from running thru my mind. but i cant. talked to ah pa on de fone. talked to him in a manner as calm as possible. or i'd simply breakdown in the middle of wisma. dil's troubled too. hope she settles her stuff asap. jiayou dears. hui n dil, stay strong k? sorry i cant help much. hope u guys will tide thru de tough period. even though i may not be able to help, i'll still be a good listener. call me anytime k? for hui's info my hp no. is 98469504 n my hse no. is 67548030. i have free incoming for hp. so u guys can call n talk for hours. take care k..
honestly, i could have died last night. im glad n fortunate i lived to see the day. one fine day i'd disappear from the face of the earth. for no reason whatsoever. would ppl only find me gone days after i disappear? i think he would. my frens probably search high n low for me if they cant contact me. but to him what am i? i doubt i even stand as a normal fren. when im in trouble n i expect my bf to be there just to listen, im not demanding too much am i? maybe i am, cos he's busy. but is a sms that hard to send? it goes to show how much he cares. n how much i mean to him. thruout this whole incident. from 10th April till now, we've been exchanging 2 msges on average everydae. when my frens ask n hear of my plight, the qn they ask is "how about sy?". n all i can say is "i dunno. i dun even know where he is." may i ask, is this the way things shd be? everyone thinks that i shd be seeking the most support from my bf (since i have one) but somehow it seems like i am single. n all the support i get is from my frens. even frens whom im not exactly close to. suddenly i feel as though he doesnt exist in my life. n it doesnt really matter whether or not we are together. we're more distant than normal frens. so what's de pt? there's no pt of contacting anymore. there really isnt. he's too busy n he shd lead his own life. i shall bother with my own issues n stop hoping for him to come n comfort me or even listen to my probs. isnt that better? at least i kill that hope in me. at least i dun get disappointment time n again. n at least he can concentrate on his school camp n work. at least he doesnt have to get bothered when things happen to me. or is he even bothered? ohwells. im not gonna care anymore.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|15:59|
Saturday, April 16, 2005
spent de whole day doing nothing but accompanying mom. =) feels good to have those mommie-daughter shopping days back again. went to get my 3 free outgoing M1 numbers done. so from now on i'll keep calling bong n na n mommie. since its FREE. cheapskate me. haha. anw mom was happie todae. cos it was quality time w me. =) had lunch at chinatown. nice cheap lunch. nice chee cheong fun n laksa. yummy! shopped arnd for awhile n mom got nice tops. went to paragon next, to settle M1 stuffs. den headed to far east to shop n have dinner. wanted to eat de chicken rice but it just got sold out to the previous grp of 3 girls!! =( my chicken rice! so we ended up at this indonesian food place which was pretty nice as well! i had tung hoon soto. weird rite? normally ppl have bee hoon soto. but somehow mine turned out as tung hoon. but its nice still! =) mommie kept stealing my tung hoon. haha.
anw i think im FATED to see my ripcurl shuai ge. hui blogged that she saw him todae n he wasnt smiling. but guess what happened to ME! i was in far east shopping arnd w mommie when i saw him! wad would he be doing at far east when he shd be working rite? but i think he was there to buy dinner back for colleagues. n guess what! he recognises me! he actualie waved n said "HI" n smiled at me!!!!!!! *melts on de spot* i was so pleasantly surprised! so i courteously waved n said hi n smiled! he's so awfully cute! n guess what happened next... my mom whispered "how come u know such a shuai ge?" n i was like jumping hysterically n screamed "YES YES YES HE'S SHUAI RITE!!!!" hahaha. im nuts. i bet my ripcurl shuai ge thinks im a nutcase too. its okie. he smiled at me. he din smile at hui. awww. hui dun be jealous k? =p
anw mommie n i got nice skirts at far east. funkie eh? my mom shops at far east. haha. due to positive influence from her beloved daughter. after shopping we went to scotts for yami yogurt! the peace yogurt rawks! its so ultra yummy! i used to eat two cups every week when i was younger. n when there was an outlet in yishun. but since that outlet closed down i havent eaten it again. so i was so happie to eat it again. =) YAMI YOGURT~~
bong: ah ma.. dun cry so often k? will create more n more wrinkles! hahaha.. yeshyesh! torture ah pa before u dump him! u're so clever! true lah.. if he isnt weird enough he wont be fit for my ah ma lor.. rare find k!
hui: dat nkf guy not shuai! i saw his pic todae! -_-" he looks like some monitor lizard! hahaha. dun kill me! lardidums! my ripcurl shuaige smiled at me! lalala! i think i'll buy de $20 for first floor lah.. anw which dae isit on? i keep forgetting.. i'll ask frens to go w me den let u know no. of tix k? =)
garfield: cat high guys.. erm.. no shuai ones as far as i know.. only average or below average.. hahaha..
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:43|
Friday, April 15, 2005
todae was a happie day for me. at least i was laughing through most of the day. =) todae's kongtat's bdae! he wont read this but still.. HAPPIE BIRTHDAE!!! =) hope u like de pencil case that nana n i chose for u! its chio wor! n i think its not too poserish.. so suits him! anw anw.. todae was a slack dae which ended at 1240. just maths lect n chem prac. so we had chem remedial n had sucha fun time with mrs tham. she's v cute. like she'd die of heart attack or peng any moment cos we reallie know nothing. haha. but i think she can see dat we tried, so she's more willing to teach us now. thanks mrs tham!! WE LOVE YOU~ *she alwaes gives that shy n wry smile when we say that*
after school ah ma, santi, na n me headed to coro for our nice cheesesticks n bubble tea!! *drools* so yummy! n had to buy ah gong's bubble tea back to school n my bag was in school, so couldnt get popcorn from him. kinda last minute. so had to run to busstop in de rain as de 3 of them had to rush for GTan's lesson. so i ended up sitting at class bench w ah pa, ah gong n qianjun. deciding whether to go watch waterpolo finals. but it was pouring n there were rumors that it would be cancelled. so everybody was hesitant bout making de trip down. so i waited till 320 when GTan's lesson ended, n ah ma, santi, ah gong headed down but na n me decided not to.
so in de end we went town. *again. yes again n again n again* i end up in town like every other day. n na's sucha sweetie cos she doesnt want me to wait for mom alone. so we ended up shopping n crapping till so late though she has to take an hour journey home for bak kut teh dinner. NA RAWKS! =) i love u darling!! im gonna turn les with u real soon! all guys in the world will be devastated that de world's two chioest girls are turning les! haha. im still in that crazy mode with u. =p anw na n me went shopping in far east, pacific plaza *YES that shuai ge place* n J8. lemme recount what na did in ripcurl shop in pac plaza. she walked round n round n round n kept telling me "mad, im melting on the spot. can u see? im melting into a puddle" HAHA. that was how shuai that guy was. for once hui, na n me have the same taste. so what does this show? that guy is so freakin shuai! he's good looking from all angles i tell ya. na was going GAGA over him as well. oh wells~ my taste is good. =) i bet more ppl are gonna drool bout him. he's still as smiley todae as that day. n he's just o0h-so0o-cute. lardidums. my ripcurl shuai ge.
went J8 n acted stupid with na again! we were acting stupid ALL THE WAY. n i mean those retarded kinda stupid. only na would do it w me k. haha. or maybe only na alwaes does it w me. =) anw its so sweet of her to offer accompaniment. even dropped off at J8 to accompany me so i dun have to wait for mom alone for a long time. its like both of us are 'enjoying' singlehood together. so cool. it feels good to laff w her like todae. cos there really isnt anything to hide. we're just simple, plain n TRUE frens. ;) well na left n i continued waiting for mom!
mom came n i had... *drumrolls* salmon baked rice!!! mommie knows dat i've been upset n stuffs, so she decided to make me happie by having salmon baked rice n sticky chewy choco! shared bake rice w mommie n she loved it too! so did she love choco! im glad to see mom happie again. nice food brings u some kind of ecstacy. mom had lamb chop n i shared hers too! yummy! mom wants to try apple crumble n this other choco thing the next time. =) saw lots of ppl eating it! it shd be not bad! =)
life hasnt been that bad. cos i come home late n i sleep early. which means im left with very little time to think about things. i guess na is right. im just hiding from all the problems arnd me. i got so upset i started withdrawing. withdrawing back into this secluded corner of my heart where im safe. n realising that i dun wanna step out there n get hurt again. will our r/s stand the test of time? how long is the test? another year? i've reshuffled my priorities for myself. i dont know where he stands now.
im glad ah ma is happie now. =) santi, na n me were trying all ways n means to talk to her at coro. sat at the staircase n just went on n on bout r/s stuffs. dun worrie ah ma. ur r/s is strong. jiayou k! nu er is alwaes here to listen to u n support u! now u've found what u want must cherish! i love u ah ma!
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:05|
Thursday, April 14, 2005
happie birthdae dil!!
todae's dil's bdae! =) another 18 year old! hope she spent a wonderful dae in school n w her nanhua frens! lotsa pressies as well! luckie girl!
i wanna turn 18 soon. as soon as possible. close frens would know why. in fact my bdae is just half a mth away. which is two weeks. which is real soon. =) shd i be happie or sad? i think i shd be happie.
anw todae was a long n draggy day in school. after school i stayed on n talked to qianjun for about an hour. while waiting for youzi n na to finish consultation w ms ng. afterwhich we talked bout pretty sensitive issues. but ultimately i think these issues can be resolved peacefully. no worries. =) nana dun worrie k? ppl will appreciate what u've done for them. dun let other's words or actions put u down! jiayou! u're a zai welfare rep! believe in yourself! ;) any prob u know there's alwaes me! *da hong hua hua hua*
had a realie nice chat w na on the way to cwp. we shd reallie turn les or smth. we think the same way. most of the time. anw we got a nice pressie for kongtat! =) tmr's his bdae! n na shopped arnd w me at cwp before i met mom for dinner n here i am at home.
received a call from him when i was inside john little w na. i couldnt recognise the fone no. n i couldnt even recognise his voice. i went 'hello??' for at least 8 times. n i even asked 'who are you?'. he was like 'u dont know who am i?' n all i could answer was 'i dunno. who are you??'. we've lost touch for so long i dun even recognise his voice? that's sad. i was really sad after that fone call. a simple call showed how much we kept in touch. in fact, we did not even keep in touch for at least 3 days. if u consider 2 msges a day as 'keeping in touch'. but as usual, i'd coax myself with the reason that he's busy. a plain n simple fact that he's busy. so busy that i sometimes wonder if he is even my bf, even a normal fren. thruout the whole issue, frens have been smsing n checking on how i am, even if it is just a sweet forwarded msg to make me smile. ppl call, ask, offer me help n render support. where was he? he was busy with work. yes. n there's nothing i can blame or say. too bad i've got a capable n busy bf yarh? just wished dat he'd sometimes even bother to sms. but maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. i shall seek frens more n more n more. im relying less n less n less on him. seriously, who doesnt recognise a bf's voice over the fone? things arent as simple as it seems.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:58|
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
earlie morning went to school to be greeted by a concerned ms ng. she talked to me about the issue, n tears rolled n all *as expected*. even ms ng cried hearing my plight. den did i realise that i was indeed in a pretty sad situation. it wasnt true that everyone was suffering like me. n in fact i feel abit proud that i pulled thru it all. all 18 years of torture. i still belieev that there are ppl in much worse situations than me. so im still a blessed kid. =)
ms ng gave me reallie nice advices. n its good to hear from an adult. at least it feels as though u're seeking 'professional' help. she's an extremely nice teacher. she even offered to let me stay at her place should i have trouble with finding a roof over my head. when i said 'huh!? no need no need... ms ng.. reallie no need..' *i mean, its kinda weird n paiseh to be living off another family, not to even speak of your teacher's family* she actualie said, "just take it as a chalet". i was so touched. i have such a caring teacher she can even let me stay at her place. how many teachers would offer that? i mean, i've heard of those that help in studies, in probs, in everything. but not one who can even sacrifice a room in her house for a student. she isnt even my kin. but she's really treating me like im one. from the bottom of my heart i sincerely thank her.
na n hui also offered their place as stayover locations. thanks darlings. i reallie appreciate it. but having me stay in this house has a reason. in a way its to look after the house. so nothing goes wrong. so for now i wouldnt leave this place. even if it gets pretty unbearable. cos i dun want mom to worry when there's no one at home but dad. thanks dears. im blessed to have such sweet n caring frens. who are there to support me when im down. as i talked to ms ng todae, na kept standing nearby waiting for me. passing tissue when needed. just to make sure i was okay. thanks dear. i did notice u from the corner of my eye. =) u're sucha a lovely pal. hui also talked to me bout stuffs todae. managed to confide in her. n i know she can understand certain feelings of mine. n could tell that she was rather appalled by some things i told her. but having someone there listening is really more than enough. that's just all that i need.
anw PE was 5 items todae. surprisingly got A for sit n reach, A for sit-ups, A for inclined flex arm hang, C for shuttle run n C for standing broad jump. i managed SBJ with 164cm. pretty amazing for my short legs n weak thigh muscles. pleasant surprise for the morning. GP was fun, except the part where we were doing group work n i had a grp member who kept pushing us to do faster. like wth. he's just copying down what we're saying n he isnt using as much brain juices as we are trying to come up with concrete solid ans k. was kinda pissed. but brushed it off. phy lect was boring. CT was just as boring. but had a great time talking to ah ma. tears welled up when i talked bout him. n ah ma was confiding in me all that she wanted to confide ydae. im sorrie i wasnt there for u ydae. ah ma, next time u get fan2 u just call me k? i free incoming one. u can call n talk all u like. or i'd go down somewhere to talk to u. u know im nu er is alwaes here to listen. even if i might not understand v well or i might not give very sensible solutions, but i'll be good n listen to u k? jiayou. take care dear.
after school met hui! na was so nice to walk me to coro n take bus from there. n on the way we talked n talked as usual. n we were getting upset about certain things. but ultimately brushed it off as a attitude prob. sometimes its best not to interfere too much yarh? well, met hui at coro, where hui n na started discussing whether dehai was shuai or not. *faints* hui insists he's not while na insists he is. but the two of them agreed that pey yenn is shuai while i insist that he's not. yah. so 3 of us ended up in this childish argument which ended by me shouting into the LAN shop where pey yenn was in. i shouted "pey yenn is SO NOT SHUAI LOR". so in de end we all laughed it off n left. hui n me went cafe wadever while na went home. hui loves cafe wadever! the cheesesticks n food n the whole atmosphere. =) glad that she loved the present i got her as well. the nightmare before xmas set of stuffed toys. it feels good to be making others happy even when u're upset. so i've decided that i shall work on making others happy. in return i'll get the happiness i seek. talked in cafe wadever for ages. but the alarm in coro rang n we smelt smth like smoke from a fire or smth. so we left. i dun wanna be burnt down in coro.
headed to serene centre. where we had teh tarik n sugar cane ice cream. sounds cool eh? check it out. its a nice ice cream place. n we checked out awfully chocolate. finally i got to step into the shop. n it looks chic manx. its stark white with two black chairs. no cakes in sight. no human in sight. its like u entered this white box. anw we saw lots of articles on them, n the prices of the cakes ranged from $20 to $28. which is very reasonable i must say. but that much choc will probably leave me dieting for a month or so.
after serene was far east n pacific plaza. far east for the nightmare before xmas series to show hui. its this other series that i din buy for her. its a little too small n a little too ex. im sorrie dear. hope u liked the other set better. =x n we went to pacific plaza. omg we saw this REALLIE CUTE N SHUAI sales assistant in ripcurl. he serves with a smile n he even gives personal opinions as to which is nicer n suits u better. good service eh? but of cos the plus point is that he's so freakin cute. he's like constantly smiling n he stood there waiting n waiting n waiting while i talked on the fone. n he still kept looking at hui n me n smiled. he's like SO CUTE. though i was upset but somehow for that moment i kinda melted? cos his smile reallie looks so innocent n sweet. oh manx. hui n me were looking at wallets. so he was standing behind the glass cabinet, n hui n me squatted down to look at the wallets on display *yea they were kinda low*. so i whispered to hui "ehh he v shuai!" n hui replied "YESSSSSS!" haha. two crazie girls. anw decided on wallet, n my main purpose was to get bag for na. so i was like.. "erm.. get me the pink bag.." n as i turning to head for the one on display, hui realised i was carrying my own pink bag, so she just turned me arnd n said "aiyah this one lah". i burst out laughing cos i felt so retarded. im holding a bag that i want to buy. den de guy was abit blur. he was like 'this one arh?' n i had to go "hahahah.. yarh this one.. hahahahah" *that was extremely embarrassing btw* so he went to take new stock, while hui n me looked at slippers n i screamed "HE'S SO SHUAI LAH!!!" n guess what.. i embarrassed myself yet AGAIN. cos he was squatted down right behind hui n i was too short to see. so i guess he heard me screaming? *faints* so i was kinda slow n i realised that he was behind so i got that freakin shocked look on my face n hui turned over to see that de guy was there. so she tried to cover it all up by shouting v loudly "yah.. chin hong very shuai hor?" hahahah. that was so fake! im sure he knew i was screaming bout him! cos i saw his coy smile afterwards. oh wells. anw he's cute. final conclusion he's cute n shuai. pls check him out at the ripcurl outlet in pacific plaza. i suspect he works night shift since i went at arnd 7+. oh gawd he's cute. hui n me were totally going GAGA over him. how embarrassingly retarded we looked.
enough bout that cutie. back to reality. things are pretty much settled down. mom's away. she's safer where she is now. all i do is for my mom's sake n all she does is for my sake. she's even worried she cant afford my uni fees. n she's afraid that she'd regret her move now at that time. honestly all these doesnt matter to me anymore. whether i go uni, whether i have enough money, whether i'll lead a good life. all these are redundant. i'd just go wherever mom does. if she cant afford uni for me then so be it. i'll work n i'll share her burden. its seriously no big deal. how do u even compare studies to your very own mom?
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:59|
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
so many things have happened in the past 12 hours. i cant even sort out my thots. which happened first, which happened next. not like i want to remember. i hope they never did happen. but they did. mom left. she's over at aunt's place. i was mad that she was going to leave me alone, but i understand why she had to leave. she wouldnt be able to take another blow. i'd rather she stay there n be safe. the house seems extremely empty. i on loud music, tv n de comp just to ensure that there's noise at home in this house. na's having syf. hope hc dance does reallie well. couldnt talk to her, so i smsed him. only to get replies half hourly, n hearing him say 'i'd listen to the best i can'. guess i was wrong in looking him up. but im not mad at him. i know he's busy. n i've given up on that issue a long time ago. i've decided not to talk. silence prevails. i just need noise arnd me. n peace within. tears no longer fall. hatred brews.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|17:18|
Monday, April 11, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAE MARCUS DARLING!
my sweetie darling lovely hersheypie! =) *hugggS* happie 18th bdae! its been sucha wonderful year knowing u as well! all the best for your future endeavours! in As, vball, your *ahem* love life.. EVERYTHING!!! good luck n jiayou! =) u know shortie teapot is alwaes here for u! love ya!
replies;;
{tim} thanks dear.. u were the first to msg me after i blogged.. like barely a few mins after i blogged i received your sms.. =) thanks so much for being there last night.. n sorry if i sounded so depressed n everything.. everything will turn for the better.. i'll pull thru.. thanks so much..
{garfield} dun worry.. i wont erupt n cause earthquake in singapore.. i've tried calming down, talking.. but he's still stubborn bout his ways.. oh wells. suits him. im gonna concentrate on supporting mommie instead of being mad at him.. thanks for ur concern sweetie..
{ah ma} thanks ah ma.. i understand what u're saying.. but at that point in time i was just FUMING mad n had to get everything off my chest.. n somehow my blog is my diary of sorts.. if he doesnt cherish his own life im not gonna cherish it for him.. he'll live to regret his own doings..
{hui} we alwaes have similar sentiments bout matters of the heart.. =) that's why its alwaes comfortable to share thots w u.. even if it is abt de weirdest stuffs.. anw.. bout my daddy.. im not bothering already.. he has seriously disappointed me to such an extent i barely can salvage any little bit of respect left for him as a father. not to mention as a husband to my mommie. i dun bear hatred for all that he did to mommy n me when i was younger. i just let it pass. all those horrible memories are buried at the back of my mind n i do not revisit them. neither have i let them affect me regarding how i treat my dad. i still loved him as usual. n i loved him very much. i thot things were changing. but only to realise the naked truth that things are in fact getting worse. just that i was too blind to see it. it hurts. to realise u've been cheated n kept in the dark all this while. n to think that i was defending him. kept telling mom that she was wrong. i just insisted that daddy was not doing anything wrong. but now i realise i was the stupid one. the one fooled all along. living in a lie set up by my very own father. i wouldnt defend him no more. i wouldnt care no more. i've learnt another cruel truth of life. even the closest kin would stab u straight in the back. yes. i feel backstabbed. but like i said, im gonna stay real strong for mommy. even though i cry hell of alot, even though i seem weak n defenceless when im upset, i've learnt that im essentially strong. mentally strong n strong willed. maybe cos i was brought up as an only child, i've lived my life without a partner all along, i do know how to pull myself out of dumps pretty quickly. give me a week at most, n i think i'll get back on track. that's exactly what im gonna do now hui.. im gonna stand up n protect my mommy. that's my top priority.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:13|
the feeling of being betrayed, cheated, n disappointed by someone whom u thought was the man u respected most, is definitely painful. im still in pain, still so hurt by it all, but i'll grit my teeth n pull thru. even if i dun stay strong for myself, i'd stay strong for mommy.
things are getting from bad to worse. i dun even wanna come home n hear it all, face it all. but i have to. i cant leave mom alone. things are no longer as simple as it was. if he's gonna be adamant about it all, he's really gonna receive one tight slap from his daughter. trust me. if he's gonna treat mom like that, he doesnt even deserve to be in this house. from a man i respected to a man i despise. wow. he has made history.
anw thanks for all those words of encouragement. i'll reply them in a sec after dinner.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|20:32|
Sunday, April 10, 2005
i had alot to blog. but i just got freakin pissed by dad. he's dead drunk n he asked mom n me to go downstairs to pick him up. after waiting for 15 mins, called him, to realise that he havent even left that damn place. darn those frens of his. drinking is your life den so be it. cant dad just freakin wake up? dun be so damn selfish. when u're old n u get old ailments n illnesses from drinking so damn hell lot, u'll start regretting u drank for more than 75% of your damn life. n i doubt u'd live to a ripe old age with that amount of alcohol u drown your body in. FREAK IT. can u stop being so darn selfish. u think those are your good friends? your drinking kakis? damn them. damn u. they wont be buried with u when u die. so ask them to get lost. if they're your true frens they'd be at least concerned bout your health. *if they're even bothered bout their own health that is* darn. insensible irresponsible incorrigible immature freaks. damn. cant u just be a normal dad like everyone elses? cant u at least be concerned bout how ur wife n daughter feel at home? u think its damn shiok to get drunk everynite? try staying home n waiting for your drunk wife or daughter. DARN YOU. u wont like that feeling. one day when u're too old to drink, u'd see your daughter in her drunken stupor crawling home at 4am. TRUST ME. there's something called retribution. damn it if that retribution's on me. but DAMN it dat mom n me are de ones suffering in silence now.
*breathe* i cant recall how many darns n how many damns i used there. at least i dun use f***. i cant think straight. n as usual he isnt online. what's new. im used to it. or rather, im immune to it. *BREATHE*
would someone see that sorrow behind my smile?
would someone see that tear at the corner of my eye?
would someone hear me crying deep in my heart?
i always wished someone could, someone would
someone to let me confide in, cry on, laugh with, share burdens
am i asking too much?
he wasnt what i wanted, what i've got, no
he wouldnt even open up that door
he never made me feel that i was special
he isnt really what im looking for
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:00|
i came home with 20 cents! wonderful! but i managed to save up $60 to get what i want! YAYS!! anw lemme update bout todae! went for chua's tuition as usual! n he put de stake as goodwood high tea!! but we din get it right.. or rather.. de guys didnt.. cos todae hui, dil n me were stoned by de end of de lesson.. leaving only ah ma trying.. so practically only de guys were piaing to figure out the answer lah.. =)
anw i left w dil to go causeway cos i was meeting tim there! but we reached arnd 1135? so dil n me started walking arnd n she said she wanted kfc! *that RAT place* so i left to meet tim~ so as we agreed we got our fat mos fries! i ate my nuggets n ice tea while he took de chicky teriyaki meal! =) yummy! n we started walking round n round n round arnd causeway! absolutely nothing to do! n de place is so crowded! -_-" oh YES!!! lemme blog bout this HUGE secret! tim drew a X on sly's face!!! de big poster standing outside cd rama!! go check it out if u're there! HAHA! he just borrowed a pen from me.. n i was like "huh??" den he just drew on sly's face! hahahahah.. crazie timothy! n another wacky thing was de stupid terrorist cap! cos tim was looking arnd for white beanies.. so i suggested to try the winter clothes shop.. n we saw this funnie thing with 3 holes! its a mask kinda thing! 3 holes for your eyes n nose! like WTH!!! so i asked tim to try n he DID~ he looked like a TERRORIST!!!! wahahahah.. cant forget that look manx! i was laffing so hard i squatted on de floor n de shop assistant just stared at us.. oops! =x but seriously.. just imagine wearing that n loitering in front of the istana.. u'd just get arrested manx! hahah.. after that we slacked arnd n ended in macs eating hot fudge sundae! =) tim's treat! so i owe him a meatballs treat! yummms! after dat we just ended slacking at his place! read na's blog there n tagged.. den checked out tim's toys *which includes a piston n some thing that shocks ppl with electricity n leaves them paralysed for minutes!!!* only a crazie person like tim would own that sorta dangerous stuffs lah!! oh wells.. dat was my outing with tim! he accompanied me back to causeway to meet ying! =) sucha sweetie! n he went to buy his durian puffs *YUCKS* hahaha.. anw thanks for todae tim! nice outing! *hugggs*
den i met ying! shopped arnd metro laughing at clothes n scanning thru nice Guess bags~ Guess bags n wallets simply rawk! they have nice, big, attractive designs that scream "LOOK HERE!!!" yups.. ying got a nice Guess wallet! =) prettie! anw we walked arnd n decided to get sushi to eat.. n we got pushed aside by this few aunties who wanted to choose their sushi.. so we started talking bout how we got ignored by frens n stuff.. like u stand there talking n talking n talking n yet nobody's listening!!! *hahahah.. na n dil n hui would know this feeling as well!* i kinda concluded that its a nanyang thing! cos ny girls just do it subconciously! we ignore ppl! hahahah!! n of cos ny produces ppl like na n ying n me that chatter non-stop n not get bored by repeating ourselves! I LOVE REPEATING MYSELF~~~ yeapx!! hahah.. anw im gonna do theatre w lingyi, ying n gary tang again after As! i miss theatre days! this sense of nostalgia just overwhelms me whenever i think of theatre! the stage is my world.. where i belong.. where i truly express myself without thinking of anybody's response or remark.. =) theatre ppl would agree with this.. anw talked to ying n found another strong character! we think alike n we say things at the same time! its dat certain chemistry we share lah.. n both of us are strong girls manx.. we wont die if a guy were to leave us.. maybe cos we share a lil of that stubborn, strong, adamant kinda streak in us? hahah.. i dunno..
im off for dinner! i got more stuffs to blog later on.. tahhhs! =D
*[a lil princess thought at]*|18:37|
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Congratulations, madeline!
Your IQ score is 131
This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.
Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction — especially in the workplace. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.
Take the Classic IQ Test!!!
*****************
madeline, your Super IQ score is 120
Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it's only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information.
The way you think about things makes you a Concrete Thinker. This means your intelligence is grounded in a clear understanding of what is happening around you. In situations where others are confused, things are crystal clear to you. In addition, you have the unusual combination of strong verbal and numerical skills. You are able to solve equations and then use your verbal skills to explain those solutions to others.
Take the Super IQ Test!!!
*****************
madeline, your love personality type is ESTJ
About 12% of the U.S. population possesses the combination of traits that make up this personality type.
Being an ESTJ, you can stand out from the crowd for all kinds of reasons. Among your unique qualities are strong determination and a sharp mind. Together, these traits often mean that an honest day's work isn't likely to strike fear into your heart. On the contrary, you're one who can truly appreciate commitment to a job well done. This steadfast nature usually carries over to your relationships as well; you're rarely one to run off because things have gotten tough. This is an admirable quality. Your philosophy of relationships appears much like your work ethic. You're the kind who believes that what you put into a relationship is typically what you get back. Because of this no-nonsense approach, you aren't the type to overwhelm others with your warm and fuzzy ways. However, when people want to hear truth, they should knock on your door.
Take the Love Personality Test!!!
*****************
Your Love Style is Storge |
For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing
And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind
(You've been known to still have connections with exes)
But sometimes your love is not the most passionate
Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave |
*****************
Your Seduction Style: The Dandy |
You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone. |
*****************
Your Rising Sign is Aquarius |
You are an interesting mix of introspective and outlandish.
Waving your freak flag high, you really do things your own way.
While you may seem distant, you care very deeply for humanity.
You just have no tolerance for fools, slackers, or dullards.
And while you're fairly misanthropic, many are drawn to you.
Innovative and clever, people look to you for new ideas and trends. |
*[a lil princess thought at]*|18:54|
