Wednesday, February 28, 2007
i found this beautiful story on dil's blog.
*****
My husband is a scientist by profession, I love him for his steady-being nature, and I love the warm feeling while leaning against his broad shoulder.
Three years in the courtship and now, two years into marriage, I have to admit, I am getting tired of it, the reasons of me loving him before has now transform into the cause of all the restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive and exquisite when it comes to relationship and feelings, I yearn for romantic moments, as though a little boy yearning for candy. And my husband, is just a contrast of me, his lack of sensitivity, and of all, inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I want a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired, there aren't reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought the whole night with cigarette lit all the time. My feeling of disappointment was getting intense, a man who can't even express his feelings, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked:
"What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered:
"Here is a question, if you can find the answer in my heart, I will change my mind, Lets say, I love a flower at a mountain cliff, and we both know that making you pick the flower will kill you, will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will answer you tomorrow...."
My heart just sank listening to his respond. The next morning, he was not around, and I saw a piece of paper with his scratchy writing, underneath a glass of warm milk, it goes...
Dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to further explain the reasons" This first lines has already break my heart. But I continue reading.
"You can only type with a computer and always mess up the programs in the PC, and cries in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help restore the programs.
You always leave the house key behind, I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to lead you the way.
You always suffer from cramp during your menstrual period each month, I have to save my palm so that I can calm the cramps at your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that is no good to your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow older, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. I will hold your hand, stroll down the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the beautiful sand... tell you the colour of flowers, just like the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, before I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I would not pick the flower, and die..."
My tears drops on the letter, and blurred the ink of his hand writing... and I resumed my reading...
"And now, dear... you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied with these answers, please open the door of our house, I am standing there, with your favorite bread and fresh milk..."
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, with his hand holding tight to the glass of milk and the piece of bread... Oh, I am sure no one ever love me as much, and now I have decided to leave the flower alone... That's life, or some said, love, when one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tend to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows in every form, even a very little form, it can never been modelled, it can be the most incurious form... Flowers, romantic moments are only buckish forms on the surface of the relationship.
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. No one will find their life worth living, we have to make it worth living ourself. What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.
*****
cny was great!!! angbao's aside, the company this year accounted for my bundles of joy! most importantly, deardear stayed over at my place and accompanied me thru the whole of last week. loves. pure bliss...
*[a lil princess thought at]*|01:04|
Saturday, February 17, 2007
this has to be the worst cny eve i've had so far. seriously. its way worse than worst. ppl that matter, are ironically adding salt to the wound.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|17:00|
Thursday, February 15, 2007
happie vday sweethearts! to all my darlings who read this, happy happy vday!!!
spent my day w evy, han, zhen, cindy, and though for a really short time, at least i got to meet zk! love the day spent, bought a f21 top and wore it as a dress, sent it for alteration and im collecting it on fri! evy altered this f21 top twice. gosh. the cutting really v weird. hopefully this time the alteration will make it pretty. partyworld w the pri sch darlings was damn fun. i miss those old school songs, aaron kwok, fann wong.. those were the memories we shared back in pri sch! =) cam whored with everyone. check out the pics this weekend. im too busy to upload it today.
met dear after all that and he insisted on sending me back. got bullied all the way back! wch irritating bf pulls u by your ear?? boo. i didnt get anything for him, and i mean it. i really didnt get anything. =( but he actually gave me a card and a watch cum paperholder thing. might not have anything to do w vday, might not be much, but i was touched by the fact that he made an effort. he's busy w work n everything.. and i probably had many more chances to find smth for him.. but in the end its him giving me a pressie. thanks deardear.. hugggs.
dear.. its valentine's day but i really dunno what to say. im really touched, not just by ur pressies, but ur presence in my life. u have brought tons of joy and excitement to my life, and u've taught me alot.. im thankful to have sucha understanding and caring you by my side. (sometimes it gets on my nerves) but most of the time, u're a darling i really cherish alright? i dunno how long we've been tgt.. probably close to 10 mths? with my short term memory, i'll rmr as much as i can of our time tgt. the good and the bad.. the impt thing is that we went thru it tgt... u've been great so far.. in loving me, taking care of me, maintaining our r/s, giving me guidance, in bed.. (did i just say IN BED??) i wonder what i've done to deserve u. (pun intended) i lovelovelove you dear. one day, if everything goes right, i wanna lovelovelovelovelove you. *muacks*
*[a lil princess thought at]*|00:02|
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
shd i buy this??? its gorgeous...
*[a lil princess thought at]*|18:33|
Monday, February 12, 2007
swinging pole cat. hahaha. the most torturous stunt we have tried on the pole thus far. i think the cleaning lady scrubbed the pole with JIP (the strongest detergent i can think of, and its to scrub FLOORS for god's sake) cos the pole wasnt slippery as usual, in fact it was sticky. i swear the pole has smth to do with the horrible swings i did today. the most common geisha, fireman were all hurting so bad cos of pole burns on my thighs. fine, i have sausage-like thighs that provide a huge surface area for the pole to rub against. but it was damn painful. im aching all over and my wrists are burnt, knees are scraped and bruised. whoever thinks pole dance is easy and just about acting sexy and showing legs, i dare you to try it!
fortunately (or unfortunately), i've signed up for P2 to continue this arduous journey. haa.. not like i've much to consider about anw. its definitely fun, and like i told ying, i'd only consider seriously if i were to go ahead for P3. cos P3's all the inverts! by inverts, its those with the pole between the legs, and u cling with your legs and basically DROP your body downwards, allowing all that blood to rush to ur head. i dunno how u'd see it, but im one scaredy cat that's damn scared of inverts. i failed to master the handstand for theatre rmr??
i heard bout evy's faint-puke incident just this afternoon, and i came home and re-enacted it. haa.. i wasnt in the best of moods, n i had this weird feeling creeping up in my tummy to my throat and out! i hate puking. the aftermath's worse. cos u lie there feeling like throwing up more, and yet feel like u emptied everything alr.
there's this vday bazaar going on in sch. and there was a string of balloons. ppl could write msges on post-its and stick 'em onto the balloons. and i read this, "baby, if only if your boobs were as big as this." hahahaha. damn cute. there were "leonidas" chocolates. that kinda rings the siren for evy. lots of ppl selling stuffed toys, flowers, chocos. there really isnt much for vday is there?? btw heard from han that denis booked $500 dinner, $200 bouquet for june. MY GOSH. is he rich or is he rich?? i suddenly recalled throwing away someone's flowers b4.. i wonder how much that was....
hmm, vday sets the mood for love, but im really not into it this year. where's that vday hype.. those times i'd make lil pressies for all my gfs, bfs.. i miss them. really. as i talked bout those times yday, i really felt like crying. for no apparent reason, tears just fell. its the same kinda empty feeling settling in. the lil devil making its way back into my heart.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:22|
Sunday, February 11, 2007
just as i was ranting bout how my room looked like hurricane katrina struck and left it in this huge mangle im unable to sort out, daddy dropped a msg that said my table was done and he got it in my room. wows. if only if all things work like that. i complain and *tada~* its done. so the past few days i've been packing my room, my house, and it seems like there's major renovation going on. repainting the whole house literally, throwing out close to 50% of our stuffs. i've been sifting out 'antiques', flipping thru those pictures when i was still considered 'cute', sniffing in tonnes and tonnes of dust im close to another asthema attack, listening to the most grumpy mom telling me that all the rubbish in the house belongs to dad, not her. oh then TELL HIM! what's the pt of telling me?? ppl say woman are the most nasty, vicious beings on Earth. i couldnt agree less. we don't always go for revenge, but we'll remember. trust us to remember. we know all the little details and even now, u can hear the cf ppl bitching bout our pri sch mates. see? woman. but when i have to bear with a mom slamming doors and speaking a notch higher so she can get her grumbles heard, when she does the stupidest things on earth like asking me to pass a msg to dad when he can jolly well hear her, omg. whatever woman, whatever. 2 women and 1 man living in this household. 2 stubborn taureans and 1 peace-loving aquarius. 2 parents and 1 child. the 2:1 ratio thing seems like the most unstable and most disturbing combination. perhaps, it aint that bad sometimes.
i realised, while a person receives hundreds of messages thru his different senses every single second, he is ignoring a few hundreds of thousand messages at the same time. for something that catches my eye, im missing out a few hundred other things within my vision peripheral. by coincidence, after months, years, i find out some information i missed. unpleasant information. and it sucks. sucks to the core. if u're a guy, would u bed ur gf's fren? if u're a girl, would u date your bf's buddy? screw it man. what is the world turning to? some ppl just dont care a hoot about what others think, how others feel. i cant blame anyone but myself... and its freakin tiring at times.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|18:09|
Friday, February 09, 2007
cny's round the corner and my room still look like hurricane katrina came by yday. what's more pathetic than a room void of furniture and tv and computer??
if the previous entry made u guys think that i've called it quits w zk, im saying NOOOOO! he said the entry made it sound that way. which it really isnt. momo tonight for poledance comp. im watching, not me competing. all the legs n boobies n drooling guys. heh.
evy has got me hooked on online shopping. n i've got her hooked on pretty shoes. hee.. we're so gonna go broke shopping tgt!
*[a lil princess thought at]*|12:15|
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
work has kept me occupied all week. sch, work and bf. that's quite abit to handle alr. im really sorry to my babes in sch for not being able to study w them, but i promised them fri afternoon for cyn-prezzie-shopping + evy-shoe-shopping spree. work has been pretty fun and productive, looking out for merchants and sponsors supporting spca. i may be tired out, but i really love doing what i do. always learning from the ppl i meet, be it in the company or my clients etc. one day i'd probably be in one of their positions, meeting students doing my current job. haa..
things werent exactly going smoothly over the weekend. issues w zk. im really keeping my fingers crossed. im tired, tired of so many things going on in my life. if he's meant to be, i'll find him back... yarh? got told off by a fren for being so strong headed, so independent. always thinking that im the smartass who knows how to handle everything. im a 'tit-for-tat' person. if you want me to act a certain way, ask yourself if u can act that way first. if u want freedom, give me my freedom. i thot that was common sense. according to nic, that's not how everyone works. "why not!?" i really think that's the most fair way, to do justice to both parties. equality my darlings..
we often judge ppl based on our own set of values. this is called perception. if im a neat freak, i'd probably think my frens are slumps or lazy bummers who cant be bothered w their own cleaniness, looking tardy and unappealing all the time. similarly, putting the same theory to ppl arnd us, we often judge according to how we perform, or how we perceive ppl are supposed to perform or act. saving money is smth im focusing on, so naturally i'd think zk's too much of a spendthrift at times. bitching's fine but malicious comments or bitchings are unacceptable to me, thus i shun those who do so. humans are such judgemental creatures. just gotta be cautious, cos these perceptions may turn into negative collective groupings which turn out to be stereotypes. wonder why i spent all that time talking bout that? cos i met this guy so gay i went weak in the knees (not in a negative way!). he was REALLY gay, but he was really nice and sweet and hospitable. i've nv had a great impression of homosexuals, i admit. now i think im stereotyping them, which was why it took me by surprise that i was so attracted (in a healthy sense) to mr cute gay. he was so effeminate, if i were a guy i'd be urged to protect him. haha! meeting diff ppl on this job, i must say, dont judge a book by its covers!
i think mac's maple syrup is one of the greatest recipes/inventions on earth!!! gives me a sugar high every single time. loveloveloves. appetite was totally REVIVED. did i mention that im eating like a kid now? i cant finish a sandwich. dammit. han was so "amazed".
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:30|
