Tuesday, June 30, 2009
im gonna go nuts if i continue crying and not sleeping. i've got work. fuck. seriously, i need to get a grip of myself.
so many times i resisted the urge to pick up the phone and send him a text or give him a call. dont even ask me why i want to do that. i dont know. all i know is i've got alot of things i've yet to say and im regretting it. haa.
as usual, i go into the mode of blaming myself once the r/s screws up. i shdnt have wasted his 3yrs+, i shdnt have allowed this vicious cycle of lies to begin, i shdnt have been cold to him everytime we quarrel. i shdnt have kept quiet.
the girls ask me how i managed to move on after those reasons or explanations he gave me (a long time ago). i dont know. i told han, and she said its just me. i just keep giving chances and forgiving. but i dont forget. its like i make myself act like im dumb, but truly im not. so my mind starts playing tricks on me after awhile. so once in awhile i get reminded how stupid i am. han could have got it spot on. cos i realized, my prev r/s was like that, and this one w zk turned out this way too. see, the problem lies with ME.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|01:15|
Sunday, June 28, 2009
its been awhile since i caught up w mark val qy and belle. yday mark and val accompanied me till 5am, and i really appreciate it. belle and qy, knowing what happened, texted me for a girls' day out. so they accompanied for the whole of today. chitchat, bitch, and of cos they asked me what happened.
well, things are all great when i have company arnd me. i just hate the coming/staying home alone part. i hear songs that remind me of him and i see places we've been to. of cos the pain is there, and being a tearbomb, its freakin tough to keep those tears from falling. but yea, im coping fine. i can sound emo and all in the blog, but that's only because i have the comfort of typing this at home, alone, in my room, and i can cry all i like. all of those who've met me still think im fine. so yea, i think im able to get thru this.
i've no idea if he still reads my blog. it might be better if he doesnt. but there are some things i want to get off my chest, and its for him. i've alr agreed to leave him alone, so let this just be my space to rant. i dont quite care if he reads it.
oh bloody hell. the tears are falling again.
to lzk,
i did see a future for us. i dont know what went wrong, or who made it wrong. perhaps a lil of both, perhaps it just wasnt meant to be. nobody saw this coming after 3yrs+. its even more painful to hear ppl say 'i really thought u guys would last forever.' well, i wanted it to. i keep thinking, it was my bad for not solving the issue when it first happened, just 2 mths into our r/s. which is why so long after, this issue has escalated to what it is now. if i were a more forgiving person, would i have prevented this split?
i think about our r/s, and i think about what u've done for me. of cos, also what i've done for u. i dont see how we could have ended this way. u really doted on me, that's what i can say. as for me, i probably could have done better as a gf. so yea, i dont blame anyone but myself for this. its been more than a year since redang. life could have been different for us at this pt in our lives. as i think back, im glad we made the right choice. my heart hurts so bad, and i havent found a way to curb this pain. i hope this wound would heal. so would yours. take care.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:06|
Saturday, June 27, 2009
its never easy to stomach a breakup.
i keep telling myself that.
but it doesnt make it any easier.
it doesnt make me stop crying.
hard to believe all i did for the r/s just went down the drain like that.
and now i wipe my tears and meet his friends.
probably for the last time.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|21:43|
Friday, June 26, 2009
it was just a few weeks back when i heard michael jackson's songs in Dblo. and i was still complaining that u can hardly really dance to his songs anymore. today, mj's dead. came as a shock to the world, and truly, it is the whole world. he is a legend. kinda relieved for him that he got out of all the ugly news, and now everyone's mourning him and saying how much they love him. ironic huh. when he was alive, everybody was criticising him, now that he's gone, they show their love. suddenly, everyone adores our beloved wacko jacko.
first week of work went well, nothing major, and a few interesting things here and there. just realized today that the agencies and accounts im handling are worth pretty much alot! and that just placed more stress on me to pitch them well. other than that, im really free in the office. i guess all those on msn or facebook would know that. =p maybe when it gets busy, it gets real busy. i'll just have to wait and see.
im now holding the title of a marketing consultant. so my job is to find solutions to problems. however im facing a problem now that i cant solve. neither can he. so how?
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:23|
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
i had a bad day.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|22:32|
Monday, June 22, 2009
i woke up this morn and realized that all my formal clothes have become too big. cos i lost abit of weight. so i went to work w clothes hanging loosely on me. yucks. the pants were hanging off my hips and became toooooooo long, so i had to wear my 4inch heels. thus my feet's dying now. TAMADE.
but it was still a nice day at work, everything was pretty ok. i wouldnt call it FUN but its definitely interesting. and alot alot to learn. pretty amazing. =) funny to see how some ppl really cant pitch their sales too (and i dont mean ppl from my company). oh yes, im not naming the company in my blog just in case i say sensitive issues or whatsoever, but yea u can always ask me in msn. oh entertain me in msn during the day man. im uber free in the office most of the time. hahahahahah.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:23|
Sunday, June 21, 2009
first day of work tmr. =)) not exactly the line i pictured myself getting into at the beginning, but its an interesting job anws. and im sure there's alot to learn. which is good! ok good luck to myself for first day tmr!!
just returned from gonggong popo place, and this time round uncle ricky and da gu are back from shanghai, fred's back from aussie too. pretty fun sitting arnd and chatting w them. fred's pretty hilarious too. haha. nice to see that all of us (the young ones) turned out quite guai. drinking and all's just usual stuff la. all essentially pretty filial lil ones.
and yongqiang korkor's little supporter woon is due end of july! according to the hainanese tradition, little supporter woon will be called "Yun2 Tong3 xxx" the last word hasnt been thought of yet. we were still laughing and saying why not "fan tong" or "ma tong" instead. and my kuku cousin wants to call his baby boy Constantine Woon. -_-" its like the LAST name i'd think of. si beh pai tia ah. hmmm... yun tong rui, yun tong wen, yun tong shen....... hahahahah, so fun thinking of names. =))
*[a lil princess thought at]*|23:04|
Monday, June 08, 2009
happy birthday CHEE MUN!!!~~
went to dblo yday, and it really has been some time since i last clubbed. its gonna be even longer a period of time since i went to dblo. haa. i feel real old in clubs man. those young kids (punks) are soooooooooo funny. they dress funny, dance funny, and when they're drunk, they're funnier. hahahaha. anyways, it was hilarious seeing mark seh and cm drunk. i laughed so hard my jaws ached.
many things happened b4 cm's bday party. zk and i have alr been on not-so-good terms due to various issues, and it all escalated into a half-heated argument yday. i say half-heated cos he was angry while i wasnt. (surprisingly).
smth happened, and normally, i would have flared up and stormed out of his house. cry probably. argue and fight, perhaps. but weirdly enough, i didnt feel a thing this time round. i wasnt acting. i really didnt feel anything. indifferent could be the word to describe the way i reacted. i couldnt even reason to myself why i no longer feel angry. today, after all that hoo-hah about yday's stupid incident, i think i know the reason behind my indifference. i've trained myself to not be bothered by such incidents anymore. i used to get so affected by them, and the incidents just keep repeating themselves to the point that i get numbed. after the numbness comes indifference. as if there's a protective shield circling me, these things dont piss me off anymore. this nonchalence, this cold-hearted and indifferent side of mine, it naturally built up cos of past experiences. ppl learn from mistakes and change. that's the way i've turned out to be after all that quarrels and arguments and whats not in my r/s.
its sad for me to say all these, cos i didnt expect and didnt want things to turn this way. i didnt want myself to become a person like that. i wished i was able to feel angry about what happened, instead of laughing it off. i hoped that i'd cry, for that tells me im still a sentient being. but no, it just didnt happen that way.
could say that he was damn suay for what happened yday. or perhaps i was the suay one. either way, i see no need for lies if there's nothing to hide. i laughed, cos the whole situation was so stupid and ironic. also cos he says the reason for them to lie is cos they're scared of me. either way, nothing makes sense. maybe nothing in these 3 years made any sense, right from the beginning. haa.
i really cant feel a thing. am i even alive?
*[a lil princess thought at]*|04:16|
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
u know its gone when u no longer feel.
job searching is sucha bitch. cover letters. resumes. constantly looking into websites and newspapers. fugg. really wish i had the money to start my own fashion collection. and sell them for alot of money. haa. design shoes and clothes. loves.
starbucks has an outlet in yishun! WOOHOO STARBUCKS IS BACK!!~ and its like the only one in the north area? see. yishun is becoming happenings. =))
tv is my best fren nowadays. entertains me for a long long time. or rather, till my bedtime, which is 6-8am. been thinking a lil too much. perhaps im pushing for things to go in a direction that wont make me happy, that's why.
in any case, job finding is most impt. a note on my desktop reads: "GET A JOB U ASSHOLE!!!" yea indeed. im turning into a jobless asshole.
*[a lil princess thought at]*|03:04|
